It has been a rough week but you are finally in for some serious redemption. You have a dinner reservation at your favourite restaurant; a nice, quiet place by the sea. That cozy booth near the bartender is available today and you pounce on the opportunity like a cat on a sorely missed ball of wool. You have ordered a shrimp cocktail and are blissfully sipping away at your scotch. The fragrant aroma of butter searing the pan wafting gently in the air envelops you into an unknown state of bliss. The soft sea breeze caresses your face and whispers softly into the beautiful locks of your hair. “What a fitting start to the weekend!” you think to yourself.
“Will you marry me?”
You choke on your half eaten shrimp and are warped back into reality. You see your date in the classic kneeling stance with a ring in their hand, a brilliant sparkling offering to you, and the words hit you in full force, “Will you marry me?” You manage to cough your way out of the shrimp’s evil clutches on your throat and manage to conjure a look of pleasant surprise while your mind’s alarm goes “Textbook cheesy proposal, man!”
You like your date, but marriage is a card you least expected to find in this pack. Your mind is in a flurry, you are rendered speechless!! A ‘yes’ isn’t the answer you wish to give while a ‘no’ is an answer you can’t afford to give. Meanwhile, your date looks really uncomfortable (remember, he is still kneeling) but is patiently awaiting your reply. Now what do you do?
How do you deal with this proverbial elephant in the room? How do you lessen the impact of all the hurt & rejection you will be causing? How do you avoid the sappy teary-eyed aftermath of rejection? How do you spare your kind date the misery of a “no?” How do you turn down a proposal? Films inspire the inner hero/heroine in us. They inspire romantic love stories. Today we will learn that they also inspire some really kickass ideas on how to reject proposals! Here’s bringing you a list of 10 ways you can reject a proposal. All these solutions have been propounded with an intention to minimize the heartburn of rejection; starting with ones causing maximum heartburn, progressively decreasing with every next solution.
10. Forrest Gump
If you have seen this Academy award winning, epic American romantic dramedy (comedy + drama) of 1994 then you have heard of “Run Forrest run!” You see your date kneeling, you get up, put the remaining shrimp (from the shrimp cocktail) in your mouth and you RUN!!!! You start running and keep running. You run away to another continent and never return. You give up your job, your home, change your number and basically relocate to a new continent or planet (if that suits you). In simpler words, you abscond like a criminal.
This way you don’t have to actually say “no”, your rejection is implied. Thus, you save your date and yourself a lot of grief and tears.
9. Rain Man
This solution is partly inspired by another Academy award winning, American drama film starring Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise. Hoffman plays a person having Savant syndrome. This role bought an Oscar for Hoffman so I don’t expect you to fake Savant’s syndrome and replicate Hoffman’s astounding performance (not that I doubt your wonderful acting skills, dear reader). All you need to do is fake the Asperger syndrome and act like a stuck tape every time you hear the question – “Will you marry me?” Find any nonsensical word or phrase and keep repeating it over and over again whenever you are floated the “dreaded” question.
This way you have successfully avoided yielding an answer and have a foolproof(?) solution to any future shocks in the nature of a marriage proposal.
8. The Spy Who Loved Me
This solution will put your storytelling, acting and lying skills to a test. So unless you ace all three, do not attempt!
All you have to do is ask your date to discreetly take his seat. Then quickly pay for the dinner and leave with your date. Take him/her to a secluded corner. While doing all this you need to keep up the appearance of a spy, you need to frequently look over your shoulder and wear a look of constant alarm on your face. Then in hushed tones you explain to your date that you are actually a spy that works for the government. You explain your secret-agent double life and concoct a detailed story about conspiracy theorists and how you intend to infiltrate their organization and how it’s a dangerous mission and however much you might look forward to settling down, your primary duty is to your country. Then you make your date promise to keep this a secret and walk away victorious (you have successfully rejected a proposal!)
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
In this American comedy, Chuck & Larry are two straight firemen who pretend to be gay so as to receive domestic partner benefits. All you have to do is tell your date that you just don’t roll that way, and are in fact gay! Tell him/her how the society is cruel and how you need all the help and support one can get. Also throw in a thing or two about how you are still figuring out how to come out of the proverbial closet and explain the skewed sexual orientation to family. Proposal rejected, no hearts broken, case closed.
Caution: This solution is what one might call “Instant Gratification”, it will give you instantaneous results and postpone the explaining for a later time when your present date catches you on a future date with the person of the opposite sex thereby robbing your claims of sexual orientation of its credibility.
6. 50 First Dates
In this American comedy film starring Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, Drew suffers from Amnesia- the forgetting disorder. This is your express ticket out of this proposal!
You say “Yes”, you agree to the beautiful prospect of marriage, you celebrate, you kiss your date goodbye, you sleep, and you wake up the next day and fake amnesia! For added effect, get a friend to weave an elaborate story about how you had an accident wherein you hurt your head and now suffer from short term memory loss! Hasta la vista, dreadful proposal!
5. The Shining
When in doubt, ask Stephen King. This film starring the King of Loco – Jack Nicholson is based on a famous Stephen King novel. The story tells of a kid, Danny Torrance, who has paranormal powers and can sense and see paranormal beings. In addition, he also has an evil alter ego of an imaginary friend called Tony. How is this relevant, you ask? It is, I say! You invent a creepy imaginary friend with an equally creepy voice and strange hand gestures. Introduce your imaginary friend to your date and every hour or so go into a trance like state and act like your imaginary friend. This will give your date an impression that you are indeed loco and in need of serious psychological help and in effect lead to a withdrawal of marriage proposal.
4. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial
This is too simple. You tell your date you are an alien life form on Earth, this is your host planet, and you have come here to study humankind. Your home planet is in another galaxy (invent a fancy name like Gigatron). Also explain that such secret missions keep happening on Earth with consent and approval of Area 51 and the governments are in the know. You explain that you have morphed yourself to look like humans and then invite your date back home to see your real “Avatar”. Hire a makeup artist to transform you into an alien life form. Freak the hell outta your date!
3. Bicentennial Man
Bicentennial Man is a 1999 American science fiction film starring Robbin Williams. We should take a moment to thank the genius that is Isaac Asimov for giving us the Three Laws of Robotics, which you will have to abide by from now on because that is what you have to tell your date, albeit convincingly. Tell him/her you are a robot, a scientific experiment, a genius scientists’ brain child, you look like humans and live among humans unbeknownst to all mankind. You explain the code of ethics for robots:
- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Explain how you cannot hurt/ injure your date’s sentiments and therefore, must tell him/her the truth about yourself as the Third Law has come in conflict with the First Law.
Who doesn’t know this gem of an Alfred Hitchcock thriller/horror film! What is even better is this movie inspires the inner psycho within you and thereby aides in your escape from the restraints of ‘Proposal’!
Act surprised when your date pops the question and graciously say, “I thought you would never ask!”, then invite your date back home for a quiet celebration with your family! Once you are home, ask your date to wait in the living room while you tell your family the splendid news. What you will actually do is, go into your bedroom and change into your mother’s clothes, wear a wig, glasses, makeup et al. Then come out and greet your fiancé and talk like your mother. For added effect dress up as your father, sister, brother, pet dog, cat, fish, etc! If this doesn’t blow the living daylights off your “fiancé” and have him/her bolting then I will surrender my Psycho-DVD!
1. Silence of the Lambs
Dr. Hannibal Lector.
If you do not know him, I suggest you take a day off work/college/school and invest time in some much needed education, let Sir Anthony Hopkins be your teacher while you chew all your nails off watching Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal.
You have to become Hannibal the cannibal. As you agree to marry your date, lean into them and whisper into their ear, “I look forward to eating your liver on our wedding night…. (Don’t forget to make the cruelly timed hissing sound!)”. I think that should take care of all future wedding proposals.