10 Things to Do if you Become a Politician

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“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” Well said Mr. Groucho Marx! Well I have my own perceptions on politics and politicians. Politicians have evolved at a very faster rate than any other breed- they have very good grasping skills!From finding short-cuts to deal with matters of national security to sneaking into others business, politicians live their life on the edge. Of course they make sure that the payroll is flowing! What kind of a question is that? Anyway, do you know ticks? Alright, Ticks are small blood sucking parasites that finds its way across a… it normally resides in female hair and maybe that’s the reason your girlfriend freaks out all of a sudden.They cause such pain! I just came across an anonymous quote that said ” Nothing is painful as poly-ticks! Bloodsuckers all of them!”


 10. Upgrade your bank balance


Gone are the days when you were just a volunteer, serving refreshments at political parties, distributing flyers around local offices, dreaming about getting rich et all! Now you’re a big shot. Make others know that they’re on your turf! It takes 3 things to make you look badass –  1. Massively overrated sidekicks 2. Flashy wheels 3. Money.

Walk down memory lane and recollect that conversation you had with your mom. Reminds me of Martin Scorsese’s ‘The Aviator’ where Leonardo plays the enigmatic Mr. Howard Huges. Little boy Leo promises to his mom “When I grow up, I’m gonna fly the fastest planes and be the richest man in the world.” Ok. Time to make some money. Create multiple Swiss bank accounts in advance. Make sure you receive enticements in dollars. Bring local mafia and international gangsters together in a successful collaboration and start churning money through the drug peddling and powder business. Set up educational institutions all over the world and keep the money flowing!

9. Hog the limelight


Lights. Camera. Politics! If there’s one thing that celebrities and politicians have in common, then it’s their constant affiliation with the camera. Host a fund- raising party and invite all the city’s elite personalities. Media watchdogs will come banging at your doors and soon you’ll be the talk of the town. Of course this is just one possibility! There’re millions of other things, silly things a politician can do to garner attention and experience the ultimate Kodak moment!


8. Connections matter!


Politics is not about WHAT you know, it’s WHO you know. It would be a grave disappointment if you aren’t a really good public speaker!  Politicians should know how to layer their words and sentences. Mastery of language and a pinch of humor could do wonders to break the ice. Try to improvise and learn unique speaking methods like sugar coated speeches, the sweet yet sour speeches, the seriously minimalistic speeches to name a few! So, where was I? Oh, yes….connections! Speak at city events-Connect yourself with strangers, talk to them, do them favors, accept their acquaintance. This way you get to have a lot of contacts which makes things faster. Whether it’s the local janitor at Middle School or the international mafia boss Mickey Cohen, wherever they are, whatever they do, they’re just a phone call away! Power at your fingertips!


7. Play the Good guy-not bad guy routine


Sometimes it sucks to be the bad guy. Perform a good deed just for the kicks and reap the benefits in a rather unsettling climax b’coz it is in the small acts of faith that a person’s true facet comes alive! Playing the good guy thing could even save you in times of danger when your loyal friends turn their back which is quite obvious.


6. Family Business

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Politics is not a family taboo. Oops, that came out the wrong way! What I meant is that a politician must ensure that his family gets the best out of politics. Influence your son, daughter, wife and all 3rd party members (If you know what I mean: p) to join a political party. Run for elections and grab a post using your economic influence. Let’s just fancy there’re some 6-8 members in the family and each one of them is elected to run a constituency! Become famous by surnaming educational institutions, private companies and even roads. Politics is like running a family, it is in the blood!


5. Give up your principles -No soul, No karma is the mantra.

Remember you’re a politician. You’re a bot with no fundamental and moral value leave alone the political motives. Your existence is merely to frighten the hell out of the weaklings, gather men around the town and establish a political perimeter that houses a labyrinth of criminals and top level dignitaries who ensure your continuation as an active politician. Don’t do it just because it’s right! Ensure the advantage of the situation, how will you be benefited and how will it enable you to stay on the right track of injustice! After a critical analysis of the scene, politically juxtapose it with the obnoxious notion of politicians in the eyes of the common man. Sometimes when you’re on the edge and your mental capabilities get hampered due to bad mood, killing is a viable option. Logically speaking a politician is devoid of soul which means the person won’t be rotting in Hell for committing a bloody act!


4. Get involved in scandals —all kind of gates!

Coalgate, Slapgate, Egggate, Hackgate, this gate, that gate- all kind of gates! The word ‘gate’ seems to have a lot of relevance in a politician’s dictionary. Whenever a politician name is pronounced by attaching the word ‘gate’ at the end, it’s time to turn up the TV volume – a new shocking scandal has just arrived! Watergate, I guess must have been the first incident to be reported with such a usage to send shock waves around the world. This is a one-off actually- you get only one shot. So, make sure it’s big, really big and entirely different. Think of something out of box, watch some sordid movies seek inspiration and perform idealistically. The net result will surely be a success. This is that one aspect of politicians that receives higher coverage while the popularity spikes to an all-time high! Real politicians never back down, they’re like a phoenix rising from their own ashes of smeared reputations.


3. Freebies – what freebies?


Personally I would like for a politician to make impossible promises to voters like Katy Perry performing at the local TASMAC, free Wi-Fi on the go, uninterrupted power supply and several other mind boggling fantasies! You never know how creative a politician can be. Just look at the way the guy promises people with all kinds of sugar coated blasphemy when he comes campaigning at every nook and corner of the city! Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship, but are quickly forgotten. Funny right!

Charles Peacock once said “I’m a politician and I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want.”

Nuff said.

2. Ignite violence among Opposition


It is my moral obligation to say that there’re several loopholes in the constitution. Nothing is better than a cup of hot coffee and a kickass action movie –well that’s my taste! To be a real politician, it takes several years of training at the Seven Mountains of the Holy Smokes followed by an adaptive reflex biotic training session with Commander Shepard aboard the Normandy. The end product is a living model Houdini harvested into humans called politicians!  Now to put these powers to task.

The best thing that could ever happen to a politician is to have the privilege of watching two opposition parties pillow fight over a completely hilarious situation that has nothing to do with either of them! Activate the stealth mode, learn to spot a hole within the political mainframe, design a blue draft and plan a setup to carry out a risky penetrative operation that involves smearing party flyers with black paint and ensure to leave a clue that leads to another party. Let the sun shine and have fun!

1. Remember to deceive, rob and back stab!

 It’s not like everyone can become a Politician. They’re a separate breed of people who lobby for everything that is economical in nature! Please keep in mind that big things have small beginnings. (Something I ripped off from Ridley Scott’s Prometheus!) A politician is one who shakes your hand before election and your confidence later!

Simply said, it not easy being a politician because being a badass takes a lot of sand!


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