Page 3 tends to put celebrities on a pedestal that is rarely truly reflective of their real intellect and talent. Like other human beings, celebrities too have their strengths and limitations. Yet they are deified to an embarrassing degree. That is why, when they act or say stupid things, it tickles us so enormously. The illusion that they are not perfect is smashed and we all have fun taking pot shots at their mug. This article is not meant to be offensive to anyone. In fact, I assure you that the writer of this piece is extremely low in grey cells as well. That is why perhaps it is so much fun profiling kindred spirits from around the world. Celebrities are such icons of pop culture that it is criminal not to outline the stupid things they say or do, in a completely non vindictive way. I would like to say beforehand that all ten of these celebs are perfectly nice and kind people. This list is just for a spot of fun.
10. Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey is a talented singer, a goddess and a diva. Well obviously she doesn’t think so, since she said, “I am baffled, shocked and appalled when I am called a diva. I’ve never done a diva-ish thing in my life.” Even Tommy Lee Jones was laughing at that one. “I loved Jordan. He was the greatest athlete of our time.” I am sure Jordan would be touched by the obituary were he not still alive Mariah. Ms Carey would like to be skinny, but at what cost? She says, “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world … I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
9. Britney Spears
Poor tragic soul, Britney has gone through a lot in life. A consequence of a very public mental breakdown means doing really stupid things in public, like being photographed without your underwear, shaving your head in public, drunk driving with your baby amongst many others. Yet even before our dear Britney went under, she said things that were not very clever. Behold these gems. “Where’s Australia? 26 hours away?? Who the f*ck would want to go somewhere that far away!” Australians probably, Britney. “First, the worst thing that could happen to is if my boyfriend would break up with me. I would be totally devastated. And then, after the depression, maybe I did some dorky movies that were just bombs. Then, I don’t know, s—. Then I did another album that didn’t do very well. And then it’s back to working at my granny’s deli. Back to rolling quarters and boiling crawfish and smelling like a fish on my dates.” And the winner of all stupid things she has ever said, “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
8. Kim Kardashian
When Kim Kardashian is not stirring up international trouble by recklessly tweeting thoughtless Palestinian and Israeli jokes, she is selling her wedding to the world for $18 million and then opting out of that marriage seventy two days later. Her life is a freaking media circus and every aspect of her personal and private moments are saleable. She has come to represent the trashy tabloid twenty first century pop culture of America that is so commercially viable that it is despicable. Now that she just gave birth to her first child, a girl, anyone want to take guesses how many millions the first pictures will earn for the Kardashian family?
7. Paris Hilton
Unfortunately money can’t buy brains. Else Paris Hilton, heiress to the Hilton hotel fortune would be a really intelligent girl. Since rich people must put up with being stupid as much as poor ones, here are some gems that come straight from the pearly whites of daddy’s lil girl: “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. ” Thanks Paris, you single handed undid all the good that feminism wrought over a hundred years. “I don’t really think, I just walk”. That would explain half the things you say. “Wal-Mart… do they like make walls there?” We geddit Paris, you are too rich to shop in Walmart. But is it too much to expect that you’be be remotely familiar with the country you live in? Clearly not since you tweeted, “No, no, I didn’t go to England; I went to London.” Glad you paid attention to geography lessons in school.
6. Lindsay Lohan
As a young girl watching and adoring Lindsay Lohan in movies like, “Mean Girls” and “Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen”, I would never ever had imagined that this teen queen would one day become an American Rakhi Sawant of sorts. She worked really hard to carve a niche for herself in Hollywood. Then, one day she let it all go. Rampant drugs, law breaking, terrifying botox and even more terrifying movies. What ever happened to the sweet and talented Lindsay we once knew? When she is not back in rehab for the umpteenth time or breaking laws for the same reasons over and over and going behind bars for the silliest reasons ever, she is saying stupid, inconsiderate, insensitive things like this: “WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i’m calling it Sally)..? Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace”.
5. Rakhi Sawant
Most Rakhi Sawant sympatheticos will not want her name on this list, not because she is stupid but because she is mad. They argue that as a mad person she is not able to judge reality and thus ends up acting stupid all the time. It is not fair to prosecute a stupid person, is it? I don’t subscribe to this theory and wholeheartedly believe that stupidity is a game she is really really good at. First she participates in Nach Baliye with her boyfriend. When she doesn’t win, she hisses at the judges and walks off the show refusing to accept the runner up trophy. She then slaps her poor boyfriend in public, blames him for ruining her prospects of winning. Subsequently she holds a Swayamvar on national television, inviting Mahendra Singh Dhoni and Rahul Gandhi to try their luck in winning her hand (as if!). Some really unlucky skinny guy named Eilesh wins the dratted contest with the dubious prize. She then ditches him a week later, amidst much drama- again on national television. After a controversy filled lull, she comes back on national TV with a show titled, “Rakhi Ka Insaaf” where Mohotarma Rakhi Sawant would be the presiding judge on civil and criminal cases. That show predictably lasted a week and provided us venerable audiences with much laughter. Then when Aamir Khan launched his critically and commercially acclaimed show “Satyamev Jayate”, she went around screaming to anyone who would listen that he had stolen her concept. Sigh! I am bored.
4. Poonam Pandey
On twitter, Ms. Pandey states her bio to be a new generation model from Mumbai. We think her profession should be better described as professional nudist. She offers to strip for anything and everything, much to the delight of men, young and old, all over the subcontinent. It is wonderful that a woman is comfortable with her body. But clothes were invented for a reason. Now every time something worth celebrating happens, I am afraid we will be heralded with another nude picture of Ms. Pandey. A huge billboard of her praying, scantily clad, to gods of all religions, went up in Kolkata. After nearly all motorcyclists came very close to crashing their vehicles, the Mamata Banerjee led government created all sorts of hue and cry and got the offensive thing down, much to the dismay of the men in the state. But Poonam Pandey’s tryst with God was not over yet. She did not seem to find anything remarkable about the fact that scientists had discovered the God particle. Rather she was confused as to why people were not devoting equal time and attention to discovering the G spot. She tweeted, “Is god particle another name for the g-spot, and the scientist dude found it after much effort last night?? No?” He named it “God” Coz it’s what he heard the whole night! “Oh my god! Oh my God!”
3. Anna Kendrick
Stupidity is not something that you would attribute to this bright young actress who has heaps of talent. A coveted Hollywood It girl, and a rising musician, one might think that the closest she has come to being stupid is when she played Jessica Stanley from that tragedy called Twilight. But she did something even stupider. She went to a Ryan Gosling movie and err… masturbated. Though that is not the wisest thing to do in public, it would have been fine had she not then gone ahead and tweeted it to her millions of followers: “Ugh – NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theater again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered ‘inappropriate’.” We get it Anna, Gosling is hot. But let’s keep something’s private, shall we?
2. Justin Bieber
May be the fact that I am not a teenage girl does not endear this mega pop star to my opinion, but I am simply mystified as to the utter fandom surrounding his works. I know many actual teenagers who are mystified like me and thus can feel reassured that it is not personal bias. His hair, his voice, his interviews and above all that insufferable attitude- everything constitutes to create a Frankenstein of our times. A Frankenstein created by tween culture that is fast taking over everything remotely intelligible in the world. I would be happy to attribute freedom of choice to those who wish to worship this tween idol, but to have him thrust in my face at every mall, club, discotheque and gathering is way more than my fragile mind can take. No place is safe from Justin Bieber, not even the internet. Matters have come to such a state that I now have Bieber phobia, except that psychiatrists refuse to give me a clinical diagnosis.
1. Sarah Palin
The number one crown for moronity goes to the woman who once said, “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?” Now I have nothing against non-vegetarianism. I am one myself. But of the logic being made out of meat means that you are liable to be eaten, then humans are number one on the danger list. Would Ms Palin like to end up as Hannibal Lector’s appetiser one day? This coming from a woman who was poised to become the President of USA. Gads that was a narrow escape!